When You Say Nothing At All

One year six months ago, I was reeling having my heart broken in the cruelest possible way. One year ago I let my heart suffer the same fate again. With all the on again and off again hurt we veil as feelings it is of no surprise that over time I decided to shut down completely. If you had asked me if I was seeing someone I’d tell you I was.

But if you asked me if I’d liked someone — I would probably roll my eyes, make a noncommittal shrug, and change the subject.

Because to be honest? I do not remember the last time I felt anything for anyone. Except rage. And annoyance. I do not remember the last time someone’s good morning greeting made me grin like a Cheshire Cat or when I would check my phone immediately after getting a text notification. I would smile to myself and hum tunes, knowing full well I was wrapped up in a secret I was hiding from the rest of the world.

The secret just so happened to be the fact I really, really liked someone. Maybe I would not act on those feelings. But it was always a warm, happy, fuzzy feeling — basking in the feel goodness of a crush.

I had gone so far away from this feeling for so long that I did not know what to do when it returned. I did not think it would ever return. For a long time my heart had weighed heavily. Every breath I would draw would make me feel the sharp stab, making me remember that I had learned to never let myself feel again. It was better than risk getting hurt. Besides, I had spent months learning how to wake up first, I had grown into the habit of always figuring out the way out even before I would enter a new space.

I thought I was doing so well. I was winning at this game of crushes and feelings. I taught myself to rise above it. I was basking in my victories until…everything came crashing down. It reaffirmed something I think I had secretly always known: you cannot control who you develop feelings for. Maybe you can trick yourself into loving someone.

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